Hello my tantalizing elleths! Have you missed this Elf?
Aye, it has been a rough couple of months here in Fangorn Forest and I have been without internet connection for far too long. I hope I did not cause any of you to inflict permanent bodily injury upon yourselves at the thought that I may have abandoned you.
My companions have not changed in the least. Upon hearing that the hobbits were safe, Aragorn immediately abandoned the quest in favor of smoking dried Ent leaves and painting terrible pictures of Arwen.
I have tried telling him that he has less chance of becoming a good painter as I do of giving up arse but alas, he refuses to listen.
Meanwhile, Gimli has taken to licking Orc blood off of the foliage because he heard that it had hallucinogenic properties.
Disgusting, the both of them. At least I have the trees for companions, as everyone I have ever loved has decided to forsake me.
As you all are surely aware, I was deeply involved and hopelessly in love with the fair alaksirwen, who was carrying my child. Alas, it was all a lie, as I learned through a series of tragic events.
The child was lost through an evil encounter with Gollum attacking my beloved. I fell into despair, endless black despair at my own failure at protecting the ones I loved. I attempted suicide several times but it is a good deal harder for an Elf to end his life than a mortal.
After that, I willed myself to fade but alaksirwen prevented it at the very last moment by making a miraculous recovery. We made love under the stars, so sweetly, tenderly, like a renewing of fresh spring rain. Until I brought her to climax and she screamed the one word that shattered my fragile Elven heart and soul for eternity...
I was utterly crushed and it was all made worse by her attempts to deny that she had been unfaithful. I knew the truth and cast her away like the lying, heartless strumpet she was.
These Elvish eyes may have been blinded by love once but now I miss nothing. My life has new purpose- to hunt down this "Orlando" and castrate him for stealing my alaksirwen's affections and sweet, succulent arse from me!
Have you seen this man?
Oh yes, Legolas is coming for you, "Orlando". No one and nothing will prevent me from exacting my revenge upon you for tearing my beautiful world apart. My quiver of infinite arrows is coming for your arse...