Gandalf

2005-02-19T20:02:13Z

Hello again! I bet you are all surprised to see another post from me so soon!

I have many things to say, much more news to share with my elleth friends. Gandalf has returned!

It seems that our wizard friend had some sort of spiritually enlightening sexual experience with the Balrog that left him naked, panting and seeing stars on a mountainside. Now he is back with a shiny new coiffure and the finest Prada robes, leading me to suspect prostitution. Well if he's happy and the Balrog is happy, who am I to question the behavior of two consenting Maiar?

I am quite miffed that Gandalf had the power to come back from the dead yet did not summon forth enough concern to bring back my Forrest Gump DVD. How inconsiderate of him.

I have decided to forgive him however, after hearing his first words to Aragorn.

"You look like shit, Ranger."

Perhaps Gandalf will straighten out Aragorn's attitude and drug problem now that he has returned. It would be nice indeed to have my friend back, not this dirty slob who steals my possessions and says mean things about me over at elf_spy.

Aragorn can say whatever he wants. This Elf is too content to care.

I have made amends and gotten much arse from the lovely alaksirwen, though my relentless search for this "Orlando Bloom" shall not end. I will not be at peace until my revenge comes to pass.

That's right. Lick it up, pretty boy.

~Legolas~

P.S. My dear adoraheatherly helped me make a special video to dedicate to you, my elleths! Click here to see!

Aragorn the Diva

2004-08-10T07:15:47Z

Suilad my sycophantic followers! I am camped out with the rest of the Fellowship beside the lovely river Anduin. I am quite uncomfortable here and would like to move on but unfortunately, the others require food and rest.
The good news is that, with the exception of Boromir (who is acting rather sleazy lately) I am getting along much better with my companions.
Gimli and I actually had a long conversation last night, finally finding a bit of common ground in our mutual love of hot elleth's arses and orc torture methods. I suppose he isn't so bad. It is not his fault that he was born a dwarf after all and, as long as he does not try to creep up on my snatch, he is definitely tolerable.

I am anxious, my elleths. My elven senses have made me aware of the fact that an obscene amount of orcs are heading this way but damned if I can get Aragorn to listen.

"We should leave now," I whispered nervously to the Ranger who was obviously high on pipe weed.
"Huh?" he said with a start. "Leave the cow?"

"No, Aragorn. Leave now. Leave this place!" I reiterated.
"But orcs patrol the eastern shore," he responded. "I do not feel like geting into a fight right now. Can't we all just get along?

"Aragorn, sober up and listen to me!" I whispered frantically. "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it!"

"Did Gandalf leave you in charge?!" Aragorn retorted. "Are you the one that is destined to become a mighty king?"
"Well, yes...I may become king someday if my father..." I started.
"SHUT UP LEGOLAS! You are ruining my buzz!"
"But a shadow and a threat has been growing in my..." I tried again.
"And an erection is growing in my pants," Aragorn said. "I am going to rub one out while I dream of Frodo's tiny sweet arse!"

Can Aragorn not think of anything but arse, even when our lives may be in mortal danger?! I think the power is going to his head and I do not mean the one on top of his shoulders. There are more important things than sex, can he not see that?!

We are so fucked.

The Adventures of Legolas Greenleaf

Gandalf

Aragorn the Diva