I am back, my lovely elleths! It seems that everyone except for me has been posting in my journal. I am not too angry about Pippin, as he truly means no harm.
He mostly likes to hop on to look up recipes and play Neopets
, something I have been rather absorbed with as well lately, thanks to ladyheatherlly
who allows me to use her account. I think this is better than porn!
Speaking of her, she helped me get revenge on Haldir by infecting his computer with a virus called the "Nazgul Worm". Now, every time he turns his computer on the screen goes black and the hard drive makes terrible screaming sounds!
The first time this happened, he dove under a table crying for Celeborn as he sucked his thumb.
Marchwarden my arse.
I have greatly enjoyed Lothlorien though, especially the exquisite cuisine of fruit and elvish waybread. I was growing weary of nasty human food.
And this morning I was given the nicest gift I have ever recieved:
“My gift for you, Legolas, is a bow of the Galadhrim, worthy of the skill of our woodland kin.” Lady Galadriel said.
Then, "Put the bow down, Legolas. Dwarves are not
meant for target practice!" As she left, I could not help teasing Gimli. I got one of the finest bows in Middle Earth, he got whatever Galadriel could pick out of her hairbrush.
Indeed, I believe she wants this sweet, succulent arse.
Pity she did not speak up sooner. I would have liked to have seen if she glows like that all over. Of course, after hearing Frodo's account of the events at her mirror, I do not think exciting her would have been very sexy.
Would not want to wake up next to that. ::shudder::
My main reason for writing this post, however, is to announce to you, my beautiful elleths, that I have fallen in love with the lovely alaksirwen
I love each and every one of my elleths and this has no bearing on incessant craving for arse from all of you. We can still "pork each other" as you Americans might say...but alaksirwen
is very special to me and my heart is lightened by the precious arse slapping, ada screaming moments we have shared.
I miss her, even now...Long for her sweet lips upon mine once more.
This is me looking very sexy paddling down the Anduin. What you do not see is that I have just shoved Gimli out of the boat
He flailed in the water screaming Dwarfish curses until Aragorn rescued him and started yelling at me. Not my
fault he needed a bath! ::pout::
Alright my elleths. I am going to go pretend to take the watch so I might "choke my chicken" in privacy.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Wherever You Will Go- The Calling
Hello all you sweet elleths, and one fine looking hunk o' man you. Haldir here, ready to have some fun. No, I am not on that prissy elf's laptop. I just broke into his account. Too lazy to have one myself.
Anywhoo, let me give you an update on my latest adventures with those in your world. The lovely oblotr
has taught me about something unique on this thing called the internet. Online shopping!!!!!! Oh I love that girl. Gonna help me decorate my place. No offense to the Lady of the Wood, but she has no taste. She needs color and texture.ladyheatherlly
has also shown me online porn. Who knew there could be such fine looking humans all in one spot?
Speaking of fine looking, I heard Legolas has someone on his list that is pretty fine. shogi
let me show you around the Woods sometime. Hint Hint. ;)
Trying to talk Legolas into coming to help me alphabetize my collection of Cher cds.
So far he has yet to give me an answer.
Bastard elf. Probably soaking in some hot steaming bath with oils being rubbed all over his hot naked firm arse...
Oh sorry, got off track. Aragorn approached me as well today.
"Please Haldir, don't hit on me. If Arwen found out, she would kick my arse."
"Hit on you? Sorry filthy human, you ain't my type."
Then after a few seconds of thinking......
"ewwww.... that's just gross Aragorn. Arwen can keep you!"
Ok, well my fans, I must be heading out. I do not want to miss this weeks episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Elf" I missed last week's episode and I was not a happy elf.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Cher-Believe
Forgive me, my elleths, for my lack of updates.
I am indeed within the safety of Lothlorien though my elleth troubles this week have had me feeling a little down.
A few nights ago I finally learned about cybersex and was privileged enough to deflower the beautiful alaksirwen
. I will not go into too much detail, only that she spanked my arse just like I like it and I had her screaming "Ada! Ada!"
The arse was indeed succulent, relieved much of my tension but what occured afterwards was not so pleasant.
It seems that
Boromir and Eomer
someone is going around trying to steal my elleths and convincing them that I do not care, that I only wish to use them and cast them aside.
This is not true. Just because I am only in it for the arse does not mean that I do not care. That hurts.
To make matters worse, Haldir of Lorien has been trying to seduce me since the moment I entered the Golden Wood.
"I hear you are very interested in American culture, Legolas Thranduilion," he said. "I have been researching the seduction techniques of those people and..."
"Indeed?" I said nervously. I knew what was coming.
"Indeed." Haldir whispered huskily. "Would you like to come back to my talan and "bump uglies" as those Americans might say?"
"I am not a homosexual Haldir, but thank you anyway." I said politely, turning away as he began speaking with Frodo and Aragorn. The next thing I knew, I felt the tip of his bow lift my tunic and begin stroking my arse!
"I am not
gay!" I shouted angrily.
"You will be if you and your company wish to enter Lothlorien," Haldir smirked. "On your knees!"
Thankfully the Lady Galadriel must have summoned just then, for he cursed under his breath and just said, "You will follow me."
It seems as if almost everyone I meet either sees me as nothing more than an easy piece of arse or hates me entirely. What is wrong with me?! Do I not deserve love, friendship and respect too? Am I such a repugnant elf that I somehow deserve to be ridiculed, used and cast aside?
I feel so misunderstood. Others seem to think that all I care about is arse, that I wish for nothing more, give nothing back. This is entirely untrue, I am just too afraid to ask for more, to give myself to another only to have my heart broken. Settling for the fulfillment of my physical desire removes the risk of emotional pain.
Deep down, I only wish for someone to hold me and reassure me that all will be well. Underneath it all I do not want to be at odds with my companions. I wish for their friendship.
I am so lonely out here and now that Gandalf's death has truly sunk in, I feel such incredible guilt for the negative things I said about him. I did not mean any of it.
I am entirely miserable and I just want my elleths.
I want to go home.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Add It Up- Violent Femmes
Oh Elbereth, this is a dark day indeed! We are out of Moria at least, but a terrible tragic event still rips at my soul as I stand bewildered upon this rocky mountainside. I am trying to hold back the tears long enough to explain.
It all started out innocently enough...
I had thought us safe as we paused upon the bridge of Khazad-dum.
Sure, a large fiery demon of the ancient world was pursuing us, but I figured Gandalf was just being his usual melodramatic self when he was shouting about how "this foe is beyond any of you!"
Sometimes he does like to do that: convince us that only he can protect us from certain destruction. I enjoy taunting him when he gets all "wizardly."
"Constipated, Gandalf?" I had to tease him. I knew the situation was dire when he ignored my goading.Then it happened.
Heartbreak, trauma, tragedy that is just too much for me to bear. Gandalf fell into shadow which, while sad, was expected.
He took my beloved favorite DVD, Forrest Gump, with him! All is lost and I fear I cannot go on without it.
Life is no longer like a box of chocolates, my lovely elleths. I now know what I am destined to get: A stupid quest with annoying companions, no arse, certain death in my future and now...now...
It will take me centuries to get past this pain. Meanwhile I console myself by making wishlists
and dreaming of my beautiful elleths to fill this terrible void.
I cannot speak of this anymore. The grief is still too near.
Will post more when we reach Lothlorien.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Jul. 17th, 2004 @ 02:58 pm
Another quick update. Very little time but I thought I would let you, my dear elleths, know that I am all right.
There is nothing like ruthlessly slaughtering orcs to relieve the sexual frustration. After discovering that neither oblotr
betrayed me with that vile Gollum creature, I felt all the joy I thought forever lost come back into my heart.You
are my reason for living, for fighting and often the inspiration behind my all of my tension relieving activities. My elleths are my world and every arrow I fire, every fell creature I destroy is for you.
I am sexier than Gollum, right? I bet he can't fire a bow like this!
Here I am knocking the crap out of Gimli after he tried to shove me into the path of an orc's blade. Stupid dwarf!
He was all, "I've killed 14 orcs! How many have you
killed Master Elf?!? "
Then the cave troll knocked the silly dwarf across the room. I will tell you, sweet elleths: You do not know amusement until you see a squealing dwarf fly 15 feet through the air and land straight on his big hairy arse! I found it difficult to stop laughing long enough to kill the damn thing!
Aye, I saved all of our arses. Bet GOLLUM couldn't do that!
Now the others are making a huge to-do over Frodo. "He's alive!
Of course he's alive! I haven't seen a more pathetic staged injury in my immortal life.
No Oscar for that
I must go, my elleths. I have to follow Gandalf to the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm and straight into the clutches of the Balrog. Stupid wizard.
Dark times ahead. Very dark times.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Broken- Seether featuring Amy Lee
Mae govannen to all of my new friends! I hope you enjoy my journal and take the time to read back over my past entries.
While you're at it, you should yell at the others who keep stealing my laptop and trying to put the moves on my beautiful elleths since Gandalf will not permit me to kill them. :(
I am stuck here in a nasty little dwarf tomb listening to Gimli wail like a castrated orc over Balin's grave.
Do not know why he is suddenly acting so shocked and traumatized after we have seen nothing but dwarf bones for the last three days. I will remember this the next time he taunts me when I cry during my Forrest Gump DVD.
Heartless, truly heartless he is.
I thought I would write a quick update while Gandalf reads from some dusty old book and makes the others quake with fear.
I do not understand why he must be so melodramtic about it, all "we cannot get out! They are coming!"
Aye you poncy git, I could have told you that days ago. Wise and all knowing, my left testicle!
Forgive me, my elleths. Due to continued arse deprivation, almost certain death in my near future and my irritating companions, I find myself in a foul mood.
To top that off, I hopped on yahoo messenger in hopes of learning about this "cyber sex" thing and relieving some tension, only to be accosted by Gollum
.( the conversationCollapse )
I am shattered. Not only have I been mocked and forsaken by two of my most beloved elleths, but I was given the shaft in favor of Gollum
? I am heartbroken, humiliated.What does he have that I don't?
Gollum is better than me and my elleths find me to be an inadequate lover.
Without love (and plenty of lembas and sweet arse), I no longer have reason to live.
I think I'll go get myself shot by orcs now.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Baby- Barry White
We have just reached the "great" city of Dwarrowdelf deep in the bowels of these miserable mines. As the others eat their midday meal, I thought I would update.
I am sorry that I was a bit surly the last time I spoke in my journal my elleths, but I am feeling immensely better. After some wonderful dreams, I managed to sneak away for a bit of tension relief:
Indeed, I feel much more cheerful after blowing off some steam, or "beating my meat" as you Americans might say.
'Tis fortunate for Pippin that I am feeling so much more chipper, as I discovered that both he and Gollum invaded my laptop while I slept. It took me nearly an hour to clean the slime and breadcrumbs from my keyboard!
Pippin was terrified when I confronted him, but since he is obviously a homosexual with an obsessive-compulsive food fetish I decided he was no threat to my precious elleths.
Lucky for him.
I must go soon, as I feel a bloody and brutal battle is imminent later today and I must meditate and harness my orc slaughtering chi.
First though, a few things I got from the lovely ladyheatherlly
Passed off to Gimli. Ouch!
For whatever reason, Legolas has opted to forgo the
pleasure of having sex with you and hook you up
with Gimli instead. Either shag the dwarf
rotten or find some way to *convince* Legolas
he wants you.
Tying him up and singing Hanson songs until he
submits might be a good place to start. ;) What Kind Of Sex Would You Have With Legolas? brought to you by Quizilla
Ai! No thank you! Do not know how I got that answer.( Read more...Collapse )
1. Have you ever seen me with my shirt off?
2. Describe me in four adjectives.
3. If we could spend a day together what would we do?
4. Have we ever gotten in a fight?
5. If you could give me a present what would it be?
6. Would you hug me?
7. What can you see me doing in ten years?
8. Pick out an outfit you would like to see me in.
9. What song would you dedicate to me?
10. What do you love about me?
11. What do you hate about me?
12. What is my best quality?
13. Have you ever had a dream with me in it?
14. Could I beat you up?
15. Am I your hero? If so, why?
16. Give me a nickname.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Yeah!- Usher
Jul. 12th, 2004 @ 07:42 am
Hello sexieses! Our name is
Gollum. We are a handsome little chap, no?
We cannot stay long preciousses. Filthy hobbits, wizard and men are sleeping nearby and nasty naked elf that we stole laptop from is moaning weird things in his sleep.
We did want to invite you womenses to check out our personal ad
and invite you out for a romantic dinner.
You are much too pretty for nasty elveses. Come to Smeagol, we will treat you right!
Womenses are OURS precioussss. OURS!
Uhoh, nasty elf is stirring, running his hands across naked chest and moaning, "I need the touch of my beautiful elleths..." in his sleep.
Gollum feels sick precioussss. We must go now.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Man pen linna?: Hootie and the Blowfish
Jul. 10th, 2004 @ 08:31 am
Mae govannen, fair elleths! I have been a bad elf for neglecting my livejournal lately. Forgive me?
The situation has taken a turn for the worst since Gandalf in all his wisdom has decided to take Gimli's advice and lead us through the mines of Moria. Not only am I afraid of the dark but I am also claustrophobic! Having a wonderful time to say the least, considering its damp, confined, smelly and littered with the corpses of dwarves in here.
Well actually the dwarf bones are the only thing that seem to be making me feel better right now, especially since they shut Gimli up!
Damn furry little gnome was obnoxiously cheerful, all "Soon Master elf you will enjoy the hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, cheap beer, red meat off the bone and the best bearded prostitutes my people have to offer!"
"Gimli. I would prefer to be lubelessly sodomized by the biggest orc you can find while shoving flaming arrows in my elf bits than spend one moment in the company of dwarves." I retorted coldly.
Do not think the filthy dwarf appreciated that but it is no matter how he feels. I am stuck in an oversized mausoleum with hairy, horny, desperate companions and homosexual hobbits that have taken to groping my arse since I cannot distinguish them in the dark. I think I have a right to be a wee bit cranky.
"Aragorn, if I don't find some sweet arse to fondle soon, I'm going to lose my mind!" I said to my only trusted friend in the Fellowship. "Can we not forget this stupid quest and return to Rivendell for awhile? This elf has needs!"
"You must focus on what's important, Legolas!" he snapped back. "We have bigger problems than satisfying your insatiable libido. Go download porn or something."
"Porn cannot satisfy this craving for sweet, supple flesh!" I argued desperately.
"Then go plug one of the hobbits or something!" he yelled. "I am busy trying to save Middle Earth so everyone will worship me!"
Self centered git. No one gives a Ringwraith's misty ass how Legolas
Things are not looking good.
Gûrel câr man arad?:
Jul. 7th, 2004 @ 12:57 pm
I have recovered my precious laptop from desperate, lonely and obnoxious companions.
I am so sorry that my beautiful elleths were harrassed by such pathetic cretins, but I have avenged whatever damage may have been caused to your delicate sensibilities.
Gimli was met with a fist to the jaw and pushed over a cliff.
Unfortunately Gandalf saved him with some magic spell, then "tore me a new arsehole" as you Americans would say.
"Fool of a Silvan elf!" Gandalf yelled. "Do that again and you won't just look
like a girl! I'll slice up your nether regions and make you into
I am still sulking over that one. I need a hug. :(
I thought it wise to be more subtle with my revenge on Boromir.
As you can see, we are having to climb some mountain. I have found much more satisfying ways of unleashing my anger.
As we passed through a blizzard yesterday, I stripped down nude and lay myself down on the snow, saying "What a beautiful day! Would you like to sunbathe with me Boromir?"
The scowl on his face was priceless! I wish I could have gotten a picture for you, my elleths but Merry and Pippin started asking if they could cuddle for "warmth". Like the hobbits but got a little freaked out there.
This is me looking innocent and angelic after prancing past Boromir and Gimli and kicking snow in their faces.
And this is me about to get buried by an avalanche that Gandalf created and blamed on Saruman.
Stupid wizard ruining all my fun.
Gûrel câr man arad?: