Suilad my sycophantic followers! I am camped out with the rest of the Fellowship beside the lovely river Anduin. I am quite uncomfortable here and would like to move on but unfortunately, the others require food and rest.
The good news is that, with the exception of Boromir (who is acting rather sleazy lately) I am getting along much better with my companions.
Gimli and I actually had a long conversation last night, finally finding a bit of common ground in our mutual love of hot elleth's arses and orc torture methods. I suppose he isn't so bad. It is not his fault that he was born a dwarf after all and, as long as he does not try to creep up on my snatch, he is definitely tolerable.
I am anxious, my elleths. My elven senses have made me aware of the fact that an obscene amount of orcs are heading this way but damned if I can get Aragorn to listen.
"We should leave now," I whispered nervously to the Ranger who was obviously high on pipe weed.
"Huh?" he said with a start. "Leave the cow?"
"No, Aragorn. Leave now. Leave this place!" I reiterated.
"But orcs patrol the eastern shore," he responded. "I do not feel like geting into a fight right now. Can't we all just get along?
"Aragorn, sober up and listen to me!" I whispered frantically. "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it!"
"Did Gandalf leave you in charge?!" Aragorn retorted. "Are you the one that is destined to become a mighty king?"
"Well, yes...I may become king someday if my father..." I started.
"SHUT UP LEGOLAS! You are ruining my buzz!"
"But a shadow and a threat has been growing in my..." I tried again.
"And an erection is growing in my pants," Aragorn said. "I am going to rub one out while I dream of Frodo's tiny sweet arse!"
Can Aragorn not think of anything but arse, even when our lives may be in mortal danger?! I think the power is going to his head and I do not mean the one on top of his shoulders. There are more important things than sex, can he not see that?!
We are so fucked.