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The Adventures of Legolas Greenleaf

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Gandalf Feb. 19th, 2005 @ 03:02 pm
Hello again! I bet you are all surprised to see another post from me so soon!

I have many things to say, much more news to share with my elleth friends. Gandalf has returned!

It seems that our wizard friend had some sort of spiritually enlightening sexual experience with the Balrog that left him naked, panting and seeing stars on a mountainside. Now he is back with a shiny new coiffure and the finest Prada robes, leading me to suspect prostitution. Well if he's happy and the Balrog is happy, who am I to question the behavior of two consenting Maiar?

I am quite miffed that Gandalf had the power to come back from the dead yet did not summon forth enough concern to bring back my Forrest Gump DVD. How inconsiderate of him.

I have decided to forgive him however, after hearing his first words to Aragorn.

"You look like shit, Ranger."

Perhaps Gandalf will straighten out Aragorn's attitude and drug problem now that he has returned. It would be nice indeed to have my friend back, not this dirty slob who steals my possessions and says mean things about me over at elf_spy.

Aragorn can say whatever he wants. This Elf is too content to care.

I have made amends and gotten much arse from the lovely alaksirwen, though my relentless search for this "Orlando Bloom" shall not end. I will not be at peace until my revenge comes to pass.

That's right. Lick it up, pretty boy.

~Legolas~

P.S. My dear ladyheatherlly helped me make a special video to dedicate to you, my elleths! Click here to see!
Gûrel câr man arad?: happyhappy
Man pen linna?: After The Rain- Nelson

The Elf Returns Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 01:11 am
Hello my tantalizing elleths! Have you missed this Elf?

Aye, it has been a rough couple of months here in Fangorn Forest and I have been without internet connection for far too long. I hope I did not cause any of you to inflict permanent bodily injury upon yourselves at the thought that I may have abandoned you.

My companions have not changed in the least. Upon hearing that the hobbits were safe, Aragorn immediately abandoned the quest in favor of smoking dried Ent leaves and painting terrible pictures of Arwen.

I have tried telling him that he has less chance of becoming a good painter as I do of giving up arse but alas, he refuses to listen.
Meanwhile, Gimli has taken to licking Orc blood off of the foliage because he heard that it had hallucinogenic properties.

Disgusting, the both of them. At least I have the trees for companions, as everyone I have ever loved has decided to forsake me.

As you all are surely aware, I was deeply involved and hopelessly in love with the fair alaksirwen, who was carrying my child. Alas, it was all a lie, as I learned through a series of tragic events.
The child was lost through an evil encounter with Gollum attacking my beloved. I fell into despair, endless black despair at my own failure at protecting the ones I loved. I attempted suicide several times but it is a good deal harder for an Elf to end his life than a mortal.
After that, I willed myself to fade but alaksirwen prevented it at the very last moment by making a miraculous recovery. We made love under the stars, so sweetly, tenderly, like a renewing of fresh spring rain. Until I brought her to climax and she screamed the one word that shattered my fragile Elven heart and soul for eternity...

"Orlando!"

I was utterly crushed and it was all made worse by her attempts to deny that she had been unfaithful. I knew the truth and cast her away like the lying, heartless strumpet she was.

These Elvish eyes may have been blinded by love once but now I miss nothing. My life has new purpose- to hunt down this "Orlando" and castrate him for stealing my alaksirwen's affections and sweet, succulent arse from me!

Have you seen this man?

Oh yes, Legolas is coming for you, "Orlando". No one and nothing will prevent me from exacting my revenge upon you for tearing my beautiful world apart. My quiver of infinite arrows is coming for your arse...


~Legolas~
Gûrel câr man arad?: gratefulgrateful
Man pen linna?: Hangin' Tough- New Kids on the Block

Gen suilon! Oct. 6th, 2004 @ 09:19 pm
No time to update, my elleths, but please fill out my poll!

Poll #362452 Sexy Elf!

What is the sexiest thing about me?

My golden silky flowing hair
6(14.6%)
My crystal blue sparkling eyes
7(17.1%)
My luscious pointed ears
3(7.3%)
My saucy Elven smirk
2(4.9%)
My long lithe body
3(7.3%)
My taut succulent arse
10(24.4%)
My soft sexy voice
3(7.3%)
My skill with a bow
3(7.3%)
My stylish clothing
0(0.0%)
The way I ride upon a horse
0(0.0%)
My loyalty and bravery
0(0.0%)
My friend Gimli
0(0.0%)
You are not sexy Legolas!
4(9.8%)

Anything else you may find appealing about me?

Gûrel câr man arad?: naughtynaughty

Mae Govannen! Sep. 26th, 2004 @ 10:21 pm
Alas, I have little time to update my sweet, succulent elleths!

We are paused for only a few moments on the borders of Fangorn Forest, soon to continue our search for the hobbits who may yet be alive! I will post pictures and details very soon.

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Love of your life:adora_endymion
Best sex of your life:shogi
Will make you come 1000 times:quiet_faerie
Will break your heart:jade_darkness
Best Kisser:alaksirwen
Best cuddler:wispykitty
You secretly dream of:oblotr
But this person dreams of you:misswilde
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:eldamere
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Gûrel câr man arad?: ecstaticecstatic
Man pen linna?: I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred

Filthy Humans and Hobbit Barbeque Sep. 22nd, 2004 @ 03:12 am
Greetings my bevy of succulent elleths!

Did you miss this Elf as much as he missed you? I admit that I have avoided my journal lately due to the embarrassment of the drug incident.
Yes, it is true that Aragorn slipped me the vile substances but perhaps it is my fault for trusting him. I should have learned my lesson after that whole "pinch Lord Elrond's arse Legolas. He likes it!" incident.
At any rate, let us not talk about that as it saddens me to see the depths of addiction into which Aragorn has fallen. Instead, I will give you elleths a small update on my adventures.

Onward we journey in our desperate and noble quest to find those poor hobbits...
Well actually in this photo we are just watching in bemusement as Gimli tries out the "Dance Dwarf Revolution" game Lady Galadriel sent him. I suppose she forgot to mention that such activities are better engaged in while wearing more clothing than just a chainmail codpiece.
It seems that the men of the Riddermark were not impressed either, as the bad techno music drew them towards us like Ringwraiths to a hobbit.

To a logical Elf such as myself, it made sense to conceal ourselves as we were outnumbered 100 to one, but Aragorn had different plans.

"Riders of Rohan!" he jumped up and shouted before I could stop him. "What drugs from the Mark?" We were quickly surrounded, deadly looking spears pointed at our heads as their leader rode forward to glare at us.

"What business do a junkie, an elf maid and a naked Dwarf have in the Riddermark? Is this some weird sex thing?

"Why, horsemaster? Would you like to join in?" Giml smirked.

The captain dismounted and stalked over to us. "I would cut off your bits for that, Dwarf, if I could find them!

"You would die before your stroke fell!" I shouted angrily. No one is allowed to insult Gimli but me!

Stupid Aragorn pushed the bow out of my hands before I could show this filthy human that Legolas, son of Thranduil does not make idle threats.
Instead he started all his peace loving hippie talk all, "We are not spies, nor are we having an orgy. We're trying to find our friends. Have you seen them? Small, big hairy dirty feet? The Uruk-hai took them captive."

"We smoked the Uruks during the night," the man we learned was named Eomer replied. "Your friends are surely dead so do not hope for otherwise. Sorry about that but here, have some horses!

And with that, I can speak no more, my elleths. I am overcome with grief and even now, we ride toward the site of the hobbits' fateful end in order to be absolutely sure Eomer's words are true.
I will post more when I can but, for now, keep this sorrowful Elf close to your hearts.

~Legolas~
Gûrel câr man arad?: crushedcrushed
Man pen linna?: I am watching Titanic

Hahahaha! Stupid Elf. Sep. 2nd, 2004 @ 10:45 pm
I am sitting here smoking a fat bowl and chuckling about how gullible Legolas's faithful elleths are. You really believed Legolas would willingly take drugs? Oh no no no, my dear ladies.
That was all the genius of your Kingly friend Aragorn!

He had it coming for awhile though. The way I see it, its his own bloody fault! Look at this:

Yelling at me to fight and help save those stupid hobbits when I was enjoying a nice smoke! Who the hell does he think he is?!

Then having the nerve to suggest I need help for my addiction and offering to help me seek assistance? WHAT addiction?!

I grew weary of his pious behaviour and obvious jealousy issues. So yesterday when he grew hungry and asked for a piece of Lembas, I slipped him a special concoction, a Lembas brownie containing enough pipe weed to kill a small oliphaunt.
Damn I'm good.

His post afterwards about the smurfs and that was all true, though I edited it to make it look like he took the drugs willingly.
Also, as another stroke of genius, I took out the disgustingly sweet avowals of love for Tinuviel and his child, as well as his other elleths.
I thought it would be amusing to respond to his comments as himself while he played Titanic with Gimli and blabbered on about the stars reminding him of the light in Tinuviel's eyes.

Everyone fell for it too, just as I planned and watching everyone he loves turn against him was infinitely satisfying. I love to hear that his elleths think so little of him, as well they should!
But I wasn't finished yet.

"Aragorn, I don't feel so well." Legolas said later.
"Here, try these mushrooms," I said. He looked dubious but after I reminded him that I was a healer and they were medicinal, he accepted.

Now I sit back, smoke another fat bowl and watch as he lies in a fetal position and cries for his elleths in the midst of a bad trip.
Some people just can't handle their drugs. *snicker*
Gûrel câr man arad?: amusedamused
Man pen linna?: Insane in the Brain- Cypress Hill

Wheeeeee! Sep. 2nd, 2004 @ 01:12 am
This pipe weed is wonderful! I simply cannot believe I was ever so against it, thanks Aragorn for showing me the error of my ways!
While I slept, he concocted some sort of "Lembas hash brownies" and offered me one. At first I was angry that he laced the remainder of our food supply with drugs, then I ate one!

Hey Aragorn, I am feeling rather strange! I said with a giggle. Give me another one!
Gimli joined in and before we knew it, we were all baked off of our arses. The others are trying to convince me to watch some "Cheech and Chong" movie? I am too captivated by these Smurf cartoons though. They are like Dwarves, short and funny looking! Except Smurfs are...Blue.
Hey Gimli! Can I paint you blue and turn you into a Smurf? *giggle*

I love my camera, so much fun! Check this out:

I AM THE EYE OF SAURON! I need the One Pipe to cover all the lands in a second darkness of weed smoke!
Am I making sense? Probably not but it does not matter. Hey, if Gimli were a Smurf he would have to run around in a little white diaper! C'mere Gimli, let me dress you up!

This is Aragorn, he is my dog. He is going to be King, you know. Unless he gets killed by Orcs, which is far more likely. That would suck.

I'm hungry. There is only one solution for that problem of course. I must strip naked and perform scenes from the movie Titanic! Gimli says he will play Rose if I am Jack. Yay! Come cuddle with me Gimli and I'll draw you naked!

Where are my elleths?

~Legolas~
Gûrel câr man arad?: highhigh
Man pen linna?: (Take Me Home) Country Roads- John Denver

Arse: My Antidrug Aug. 22nd, 2004 @ 01:11 pm
Hello, lovely elleths. We are paused for a few hours upon the plains of Rohan so Gimli might rest for an hour or two. I myself am restless, eager to move on, but it would do no good to exhaust the others.
So I will give you elleths a recap of the past few days, then spend some time on Elf Porn Shack if I can find no one to chat with.

Once again, I have grown so very lonely. I am down to two companions, one of which grows more addicted to drugs by the day. Indeed, I canot even speak to Aragorn anymore unless I wish to discuss the merits of Lembas as "munchie food" or whether or not an Orc helmet might make a good bong.
The problem worsens. Here he is rooting in the dirt for "Magic Hobbit 'Shrooms" while I watch in despair.

What must I do to help him? I have suggested "Gondorians Anonymous", a program our dear departed Boromir swore by but Aragorn just snapped back, "I would not lead my drugs within a hundred leagues of that city!"
I tried to make him understand just how dire this situation is with our companions.
"Legolas! Do your elf eyes see weed?" Aragorn called.
"Blast your drugs, Aragorn! They are taking the hobbits to Isengard!" I cried.

"So what, you poncy, melodramatic wanker?" he shot back. "Bet the wizard can cook up some damn fine substances."
"They are in mortal danger!" I shouted.
"Here, Mirkwood. Try this shit, it'll loosen you up." he said, offering me a freshly packed bowl.
"No!"
"Come on, one time won't hurt you none!" Aragorn wheedled.
"NO!" I snapped.
Luckily, he spotted a cloud that he swore looked like a hobbit's arse covered with whipped cream and became distracted.

We have no chance of success in our mission if this behavior continues, my elleths. I know not what to do to help him anymore. Even Gimli thinks I am being too uptight, as he is a recreational user himself. Why does no one understand this plight and what it will do to us all?! Why does no one understand ME?

and even the quizzes think I am homosexualCollapse )


I want to go home. Instead, I am bound to follow Aragorn into the sunset of certain destruction. I doubt I shall even live to see my beautiful elleths or the beloved trees of Mirkwood ever again.

~Legolas~
Gûrel câr man arad?: crushedcrushed
Man pen linna?: Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse/ Run Away- Live

Sorrow Aug. 15th, 2004 @ 07:57 pm
Oh Eru, we have just been attacked by Saruman's Uruk-hai! Of course, this is no surprise to me but tragedy has struck once more, my elleths. I know not what to say about the pain in my fragile elven heart so I suppose I must back up a bit.

"I told you so!" I could not help shouting at Aragorn. Dunedain Ranger my pasty elvish arse!
Why does no one ever listen to Legolas? ::sigh::

I made sure to get plenty of photographs of the battle, however, as the warrior stuff always gets me major pull.

Unfortunately the fell beasts smell so rancid that I think my elfhood has forever shriveled so my immeasurable sex appeal does me little good in these situations. Alas, I fear I will be doomed to an immortal lifetime of celibacy by the end of this journey!

It amazes me how quickly Aragorn can transform himself from a drugged out hippie to a would-be hero. He was all, "I must save Boromir, son of Gondor!"
Am I the only one that notices that Aragorn only brings in the Gondor act in situations where it is neccessary for dramatic effect?

I raced after Aragorn but alas, I was too late. Boromir was struck down, gasping his dying breath as I watched in horror. I was not even given an opportunity to say goodbye or to apologize for the terrible things I did and said about him because once again, Aragorn felt the need to play the hero and would not let me draw near.
I hate Aragorn.

Boromir is dead, the hobbits are gone, all hope is lost. The Fellowship, such as it was, is broken.
It is all Aragorn's fault and I am too depressed to write more at this time. Forgive me.

~Legolas~
Gûrel câr man arad?: morosemorose
Man pen linna?: Lucky- Bif Naked

Aragorn the Diva Aug. 10th, 2004 @ 03:15 am
Suilad my sycophantic followers! I am camped out with the rest of the Fellowship beside the lovely river Anduin. I am quite uncomfortable here and would like to move on but unfortunately, the others require food and rest.
The good news is that, with the exception of Boromir (who is acting rather sleazy lately) I am getting along much better with my companions.
Gimli and I actually had a long conversation last night, finally finding a bit of common ground in our mutual love of hot elleth's arses and orc torture methods. I suppose he isn't so bad. It is not his fault that he was born a dwarf after all and, as long as he does not try to creep up on my snatch, he is definitely tolerable.

I am anxious, my elleths. My elven senses have made me aware of the fact that an obscene amount of orcs are heading this way but damned if I can get Aragorn to listen.

"We should leave now," I whispered nervously to the Ranger who was obviously high on pipe weed.
"Huh?" he said with a start. "Leave the cow?"

"No, Aragorn. Leave now. Leave this place!" I reiterated.
"But orcs patrol the eastern shore," he responded. "I do not feel like geting into a fight right now. Can't we all just get along?

"Aragorn, sober up and listen to me!" I whispered frantically. "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it!"

"Did Gandalf leave you in charge?!" Aragorn retorted. "Are you the one that is destined to become a mighty king?"
"Well, yes...I may become king someday if my father..." I started.
"SHUT UP LEGOLAS! You are ruining my buzz!"
"But a shadow and a threat has been growing in my..." I tried again.
"And an erection is growing in my pants," Aragorn said. "I am going to rub one out while I dream of Frodo's tiny sweet arse!"

Can Aragorn not think of anything but arse, even when our lives may be in mortal danger?! I think the power is going to his head and I do not mean the one on top of his shoulders. There are more important things than sex, can he not see that?!

We are so fucked.
Gûrel câr man arad?: worriedworried
Man pen linna?: Beautiful- Christina Aguilera
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